A couple of years ago, someone wrote to advice columnist Carolyn Hax that he and his wife (let’s call him Cautious) had been asked by a family member and spouse (let’s call them Parents) to raise their kids if Parents should die. Cautious said he needed to think about it and then agreed but wanted to know how much life insurance Parents had and whether they had 529 plans to pay for their kids’ college educations. Parents were offended and wouldn’t return calls from Cautious. Cautious wondered if he was out of line.
No, but perhaps he could have been a bit more diplomatic.
I applaud Parents for planning ahead. Too many parents don’t have wills or other documents providing for their minor children. In this case, Parents probably discussed and rejected various family members and friends as potential guardians for their children, maybe argued about who was the best choice, and finally agreed. They probably thought they were bestowing a great honor on Cautious – “Out of all of our relatives, we think you would be the best one to raise our precious children.” And the honoree said, “Uh, thanks, but we need to think about it.” Ouch.
Cautious and his wife probably saw all of their future plans for their lives flash before their eyes. Maybe they were counting the days until their own kids left home so they could enjoy child-free days of travel. Maybe they planned to retire at 50 and open a scuba shop in the Bahamas. Maybe one of them planned to quit work after they saved a certain amount of money and try to write the great American novel. If they had kids of their own, maybe they were thinking that they couldn’t afford a bigger house or two more college educations. Maybe they were afraid they might have to deny their own kids some experiences in order to raise two additional children.
Often family members will say yes immediately and worry about the possible impact on their lives later. Cautious was wise enough to have these thoughts before saying yes. And Cautious did say yes.
So, when asking someone to be the guardian of your children, remember that they may have plans you don’t know about. Those plans may only be dreams that will never happen, but they may not be ready to give up on those dreams yet. You might tell them up front what arrangements you have made to help with the potential financial burden, because there will be a financial burden. You are a parent, so you know that raising kids isn’t cheap. You should have life insurance payable into a trust for your children’s benefit sufficient to cover health insurance, food, clothing, school expenses, increased housing, other usual costs of raising kids and college, if you expect your children to attend. Your chosen guardians might still hesitate or even say “no,” because they don’t want the responsibility or it doesn’t fit with their life plans. But it’s better to find that out while you have the time to find someone else who will be happy to step in and raise your children.
For a humorous take on the reactions of family members when asked to act as guardian, watch Season 5, Episode 21 of Mad About You. Jaime is pregnant and she and Paul ask three couples to act as guardians. Stream it on Amazon Prime or click on www.dailymotion.com/video/x7mwn7w.
Megan Baumer Estate Planning and Elder Law Attorney Law Office of Michael Baumer 512-476-8707 Website: www.baumerlaw.com/estate-planning Blog: www.baumerestateplanning.com
